Chibnall may have scored a hit with Broadchurch but, on the evidence of this and his other two scripts for the show, he’s an appallingly bad Doctor Who writer. Which doesn’t exactly inspire confidence in a Showrunner who’s not nearly as good a writer as Sir Russell Tea of Gayness or Steven Mufftwat. Those of you who intend to watch Series 11 had better hope his writing has improved since he wrote this load of old tosh… He would have been better off using a set of Rory’s Doctor Who Story Cubes [!], maybe then he would have come up with something better than a naff story about cubes…
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we are here today to examine the matter of one Christopher Chibnall and his crimes against Doctor Who. I am on record as being no fan of either the Chibster, his SJW Agenda, or his pet Vagina Doctor. I do not intend to dwell in detail on the activities of the accused, who is charged that he on diverse occasion has been guilty of conduct unbecoming a script writer. Instead I intend to adumbrate typical instances where his poor scripting has resulted in an extensive number number of cuts to this, one of the worst New Who episodes ever. And that’s saying something… And so, if it may please the court, I should like to offer into evidence the following:
The pre-credits’ opening voiceover. What the hell is Chibnall doing having Amy give the audience a voiceover. Diegetically, who is she talking to? We don’t need either it or the flashback montage that accompanies it. Much better to just start with the cubes appearing from nowhere.
Rory’s Dad ringing the doorbell, the news reports (whatever happened to Tiffany Wells???) and Brian bloody Cox. Nah. Much better to cut straight to the scene in the TARDIS where Smiffy is examining the cubes.
The UNIT black jackets turning up at the house. Why are we seeing them arrive? When they break the door down it lacks any impact as we already know they’re there. Better to remove them completely so Kate’s arrival is as much of a surprise to the audience as it is to the characters.
The Doctor being busy while the cubes do nothing? That’s the story doing nothing, that’s what that is. Instead we cut to Sophie Raworth (Is Tiffany Wells on holiday?) and the Zygon side trip, which would probably have made a better story than this one… Dr Who And The Best Exotic Zygon Hotel!
In this version Laura isn’t having a BBC diversity tick box lesbian wedding. And nobody gets asked to go full time at their job like Rory does except in Tellyland. It’s a scene with zero credibility and Chibnall is certainly guilty of crimes against dialogue…
Brian’s Log. No, don’t need it. Don’t need the pointlessly creepy girl with the funny eyes either. Or the token monster men whose mouths are hexagonal when they should have been cube-shaped. Another scene with zero credibility. And the monster men don’t even have any bearing on the resolution of the plot so why are they in the story in the first place?
We don’t need Brian’s Log part 2 or Alan bloody Sugar either. Any chance we could actually get on with the story?
Smiffy down to one heart? Boring, especially when Amy fixes it long before the plot is resolved. If the Doctor’s out of action near the conclusion, that’s dramatic. If he’s out of action in the middle and recovers well before the end, that’s dull. And a crime against basic plotting. Cutting it back to the bare minimum saves us several minutes of the story not going anywhere remotely interesting.
If Kill The Moon‘s ending is nonsense, The Power of Three‘s ending is rushed and confusing, so I cut it back to the essentials. And why cast an actor like Steven Jerkoff, I mean Berkoff, in such a minor role?
And we end with the Doctor saying goodbye to Kate, instead of Amy’s naff concluding voiceover (still got no idea who she’s talking to…) and Brian telling us all what we already know – that Amy & Rory ain’t coming back from next week’s episode!
All of which brings this fan edit in at just 25m 54s, making it the shortest New Series episode edit by a long way. I’d actually started this edit before I hit on how to fix Kill The Moon and once I’d done that edit I then came back to this one. I had plans to do other stories first and leave dross like this to the end but you just have to go with what you want to do at the time. And at the time all fandom was getting news-wise was one bad decision after another – the wrong lead actor, a naff designer costume, BBC diversity casting companions, an awful logo, Alan bloody Cumming and SJW-based trips into history – so I thought I might as well tackle “the one with the cubes” and see if it was as bad as I remembered it was…
It was. Guilty as charged.